May, 16

A wedding, a song, and a question without an answer.

This one is a little different. I write about myself through music regularly, but today it’s closer to the bone than usual.

Today is May 16th. I’m at a wedding. The last wedding I attended was my own.

Joey Cape wrote “May 16” about a day he should have been at a friend’s wedding and wasn’t. A fight with the bride, a missed ceremony, a day that should have meant something and became just another Saturday. The song carries the weight of that absence.

There’s a line I keep returning to:

Take a breath of shelter and exhale trust and allegiance / Liberate yourself from hell

The hell here is supposed to be loneliness, I believe. The liberation is love, commitment, choosing to stay. And I keep asking to myself: how many weddings are where the hell begins, not where it ends?

My daughter is with her mum somewhere else today. My partner is here beside me, maybe the reason why this particular Saturday still holds light in it. I’ve spent years assimilating the grief of a family that changed shape, a life I loved and lost without anyone being the villain of the story.

Happy May 16th. Happy Lagwagon Day to all of you.

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